Who am I

Have you ever asked the question who am I or what am I doing with my life? I remember in high school asking my self that question and always remembering the Young women theme I am daughter of god who loves me and I love him. I found a purpose in life and that was to make others Happy, I loved saying hi to everyone and trying to get to know everyone, and being involved in sports an dance and student council. I worked very hard to be the best athlete I could and loved the push to be better. After graduating from high school I felt some what lost and wasn't quite sure of who I was; I remember being scared to leave my parents and not being able to control things I think was one of the hard things I dealt with. I remember my eating disorder like it was yesterday the feelings and emotions, I can still feel now! I felt trapped, alone, empty, and powerless! I had no control of what was going on in my life and that scared me, plus I did not like the way I looked or felt in my own body. I hated admitting to the fact that I needed help! I didn't let me self feel emotions and when things happened to me that triggered emotions often times they were blown out of portion. The other thing with addiction is you feel like everyone around you is judging you and making comments about you, so you keep your self away from everyone trying to not let them in. I remember throwing up every time I ate or drank anything and there were nights were I felt so lonely I would hide in the pantry and stuff my face and then spend two hours in the bathroom throwing up and crying. I would put a picture of jesus in the bathroom above the toilet thinking that it would help me to stop what I was doing and well after I threw up it felt so so much worse knowing that I failed again! I had lost my whole identity because I let my addiction consume who I was! I was know longer smiley, happy go lucky, loud carlie, I was carlie who had an eating disorder and who was emotionally unstable! I thought to my self no one will ever want to marry someone like this and why would the lord ever want to give someone like me kids. I had people make comments like why dont you ever eat, or dont date her cause she throws up to make people feel sorry for her, or why would you want to be with someone who is emotionally unstable think of all the things your children would have to go through, and not only were these people I didnt know but some of them were people I loved and cared for! Imagine the pain and heartache I felt! I never thought I would see the day where I would be with out this horrible addiction! Baby steps they always say which is so much easier said then done! I started running cause I realized it helped relieve so much of the anger and pain I felt. Then I started the 12 step program by the church which I firmly believe helped give me a new life! Each week there was a step to work on and scriptures to read an study. and a place to write down all those terrible feelings! Also they met every Saturday, a group of women gathered to gather to share their addictions or triumphs and sometimes their faults and their failures! Growing up in the church I had always felt like you had to portray to everyone that you were perfect and if you showed your faults or weaknesses, or did not dress or talk a certain way that you were frowned upon! Now I see it differently, I remember my first time going to this and just feeling like wow everyone isn't perfect and we all have addictions, an every addiction is serious for the person that is going through it whether it be gossiping, watching bad television shows, alcohol, eating sugar and well you name it! The point is the only way to over come addiction is to first want to over come it and realize the only person that can help you do that is you and God! I finally learned the meaning of the atonement and the importance of it! Now I look back and see how far the lord has helped me come and now to this day I am still fighting to get my self back and become the person the lord wants me to become!  I was told this week by a doctor that a good thing to relieve stress is to write about it, all of it the good bad and the ugly! Since I have had Koa I have struggled with finding balance in life and figuring out who I am! I know I have lost my self in all of the medical,worrying and anxiety! People say oh take time for your self but they don't realize how hard it truly is! The voice saying in your head that is selfish of you, or is that fair to your kids and you have a child with special needs! Then they say let people watch him but then here comes the control of well I dont want to cause I dont know whats going to happen or if they are going to get mad at him, or talk to him in a way he dose not like and the list goes on and on! You may think Im over protective, worry wort, or control freak but have you ever had a child with special needs but wait wait if you say that then people say you cant use that as an excuse for everything or stop feeling sorry for your self and toughen up! An every where you go you get looks for the way hes acting and you get parenting advice from everyone or I have people say hes not autistic cause autistic kids dont act like that and hes just a sensitive kid! The list goes on and on! How do you not want to feel like crawling up in a hole and crying! There are days I wish I was bold and didn't care what other people would say back and I could just stand up to them and didn't have to feel like a little ant!I am learning to not want to always take about Koa and the struggles we go through on a daily basis! Im learning how to not dwell on things and how to be happy and positive again! I am learning that there is balance in all things and finding that will be hard but doesn't mean I have to give up! I am learning that I am and always will be a daughter of god! I know I was meant to be a mother and there are days were I think about how I miss being single and not having responsibility but then I am reminded when I hear the word mom how I would not change that for the world! I see my self in my children's eyes as fearless, loving, kind, funny, and beautiful no matter what the scale says. My kids love me for me, the good, bad and the ugly! That is why I will never give up on fighting my eating disorder, or the depression, or the negative thoughts and emotions that feel my head because I would never ever want them to give up! I want my kids to love them selves and with that being said I want to start loving my self so that I can teach them how important it is to love them selves. I know the lord saved my husband for me! When we were first married and I would puke after big meals I will never forget my husband coming in and holding my hair back and rubbing my back! He has always loved me through it all and dont ask me how but he has and he always is trying to help me stay positive and lift me up and to him I am eternally grateful! I make this promise to him and my kids I will never give up no matter how hard it gets and I will always try to strive to see the light at the end of the tunnel!