Pain and Tender Mercies!

So we have had quite the events! First off Ikaika has been having breathing issues since the beginning of January and every time we take him in they admit him and of course tell us he has croup. The last time they found a lump in his trachea and so they sent us to an ENT. who ordered a CT with contrast. It just so happens to be that we get those results on Wednesday and they told us everything was fine and they did not see the lump anymore. I had some concerns cause he has not been eating lately which is not like him at all and then he will not sleep at night cries most of the night and is not napping during the day. So they said they wouldn't worry to much about it and then I asked well what about all the heavy breathing from crawling and of course no answers. So last night we put him down for bed and an hour later we hear him in his room grasping for air and his face turns bright red his eyes are watering and he cant breathe! Back to the ER I go and well what do you know they tell me its croup at this point I think I was just fed up so I went off on them, because you cant tell me my child is getting croup every two weeks for the last two months!! So they admit him and tell me he has a very narrow air way so he has a hard time breathing but he dose have croup and they will scope him in the next four weeks but at this point he basically just gets croup alot! So so so frustrating and its so scary to watch your child struggle for air, so if it happens again I will just take him straight to primary children's hospital! I'm grateful for my amazing friend Salena who always comes to my rescue I don't know what Id do with out her. plus Koa loves her so she is like one of the only people he will some what let me leave him with. Also grateful for such amazing Neighbors, my sweet neighbor Mandy is always offering to help and bringing over pizza which I am entirely grateful for its so so hard not having family here at my beckon call! Then on Monday we had more depressing news with KeKoa!! So its so hard when clearly he has so so many things going on and they are finding random different issues every time but no concrete answers! We hear from the genetics doctor and alot of things have come back normal but alot of that can be his age but they found elevated Ketons in his urine and a bunch of random different elevated things in his blood and urine, which they could not tell me what that means and they want to re run the test. They also found out that Kekoa's bones are size of a 12-18 month old baby so his bones are very much so delayed in growth since he is almost three! The main thing with that is it doesn't matter if your skinny or big your bones for the most part always match your age, so with knowing this they dont really know what that could mean for him but there is a good chance he may grow more but at this rate and his age they dont know because of how delayed the bone growth is! They also are waiting on some chromosome tests which depending on those tests and what they find they may have to wait until he is three to do further testing so they can get more accurate information. Hearing this was very upsetting to me, because I know that my little boy is struggling and how do you expect him to learn mentally when he is in so much pain all of the time and I felt defeated and hopeless! It was like what the heck I know people look at him and think he looks fine but you dont see what I see or the daily struggles he goes through mentally and physically! I felt like a failure and I could not understand why dose this keep happening! I began to cry and I got down on my knees and pleaded with the lord! I asked him what I am not learning, what am I doing wrong, where do you want me to go am I suppose to let go and maybe I was fighting for something that isn't there and why is it I see all these things but they are not finding it! Please heavenly father I need you and I need you now, let me hear your voice and give me guidance. I could not stop crying and I remember reading the scripture in Jacob that talks about enduring to the end and basically not giving up! Its amazing how the lord can speak to us through the scriptures and I remembered a talk titled "the atonement covers all pain" by elder Kent F. Richards that my uncle Doug told me to read,  if you have not read it please take the time to do so! So first off we all at some point in our lives have experienced pain whether physical or emotional pain. Elder Richards says
Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps that is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick.
I thought that was such an interesting comment because no matter what type of pain we experience we do learn patience in the healing process. I knew the lord was telling me be patient, things will be revealed piece by piece and I think back to what we knew when Koa was born to what we know which is so much more! So there again line upon line and I know that this is how it is going to be through Koa's life and I have to remind my self when I feel the pain of disappoint and defeat, that the lord reveals things on his time table and its for our benefit! To learn this and grow from it each time and I know it is a trial of my faith! I want to have unwavering faith and I know I can get there by baby steps and constant effort!
Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”¹

As Nephi saw in vision, much of Christ’s mortal ministry was devoted to blessing and healing the sick with all kinds of maladies—physical, emotional, and spiritual. “And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases. … And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God.”¹¹

Alma also prophesied that “he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and … he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. …“That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”

President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He  to learn by His own personal experience.”This really speaks to my heart to know that my savior has truly felt all the pain that I have felt and will feel and that he knows exactly what I am going through, he is the person who understands, who will bare my burdens, who will lift me up and give me the encouragement I need to press forward! I realize through each trial how much I truly rely on my savior and know that it's ok to tell him I can't do it anymore and I know he will always be there for me. I know that every doctor's appointment or procedure I have gone through with Koa he was in that room holding my hand! I know that I need to make that constant effort to seek his guidance on everything, asking him is this procedure right for him at this time, is this doctor the right doctor for Koa. My savior knows all and he knows what is best for my child so he is the one I need to be asking for advice and guidance, This quote can explain how I feel in my heart!

As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.”¹⁷ All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.”¹⁸ All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.”¹⁹ Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.

I know if I live close to the spirit and place my life in his hands he will guide me to what I need to know and what I need to do! This is the hardest thing I have ever done but I have never been so grateful for a trial! I know that Koa is very special every doctor has told me and I know through time and faith things will happen and I do believe in miracle! Yes those miracles may not be my Koa being healed but I know they come in many forms of tender mercies sent to me from my heavenly father! Talking with Koa's pediatrician today I felt hope knowing that I just need to never give up and keep pushing and realize I am doing all I can and thats all I can do, give to my savior and always seek his guidance! We will be going to a new neurologist at primary Childrens hoping for more light and information and then seeing the immunologist as well!  I will press forward with faith and a steadfastness in my savior for through him I can do all things!